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Friday, 04 February 2005.
Subject : possible exchanges between airline pilots and control towers ...
Just a little bit of humour ... jokes .. no offence meant to anyone ... anon ...
> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
> Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
> "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."
> "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
> "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
> f...ing bored!"
> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
> Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
> United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
> little Fokker in sight."
> A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
> attempting to > locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What
> was your last known position?"
> Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
> out after touching down.
> San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
> of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
> off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
> There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
> because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
> Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
> behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
> "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
> Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
> returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned
> passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
> "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
> the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
> A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
> following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> Germany. Why must I speak English?"
> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
> "Because you lost the bloody war."
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> frequency 124.7"
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
> after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
> contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
> Eastern 702?"
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
> we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
> of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
> turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
> Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
> "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
> real zinger:
> "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
> enough parts for another one."
> AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST:
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
> short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
> location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
> with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
> exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
> call sign Speedbird 206.
> Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
> been to Frankfurt before?"
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I
> didn't land."
> While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
> departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
> with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
> Air crew, screaming:
> "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right
> onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
> know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
> get it right!"
> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
> out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
> expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
> you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
> You got that, US Air 2771?"
> "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
> silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
> chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
> mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
> running high.
> Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
> microphone, asking:
> "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Thank you to the person that sent me these ... enjoy life ...
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